Talkback Radio - A Different Perspective

Here's an opinion piece on Talkback Radio that was sent to me by a young, wishing to remain anonymous, journalist. It's far better than anything I could ever write, and I think it encapsulates the talkback experience marvellously. I shan't comment on what I think the evident shortcomings of the media it exemplifies, but instead invite to you draw your own conclusions: ------------------------------------------------ It’s a Thursday morning and the burqa debate is fresh in everyone’s mind. The most provocative take on this issue, delivered in the most ponderous of tones, is being argued matter-of-factly. “To be perfectly blunt with you I find the thought and the idea of a burqa an absolute absurdity, a joke, stupidity. When I see on television a New Zealander wearing a burqa, a NZ white woman, the absurdity is exaggerated.” It’s twenty-eight minutes to ten and Leighton Smith is here to take your calls. Muslims’ requests for such measures as women to be able to wear burqas while driving are making inroads on our democracy, little by little. Smith, described on the Newstalk ZB website as sophisticated and urbane, warns, “Once they have a firm hold, look out.” Caller Stuart says allowing women to wear burqas while driving is the first step on the path to anarchy. Elegantly-accented Smith says burqa-wearing motorists could potentially get away with crime. Do other listeners agree? What are their thoughts? Hold the phone, it’s time to talk to Rod Jendon from Wet & Forget. Newstalk ZB brings you the news as it happens. On the early morning show before Smith, the perpetually world-weary Paul Holmes delivers his take on the news and current affairs as quickly as he’s able to read from the previous night’s sauvignon blanc-induced notes. “Number one is this joker Mr Stavenhagen, who came here from the United Nations High Commission on Human Rights, whatever the hell that committee is! A Mexican with a name like Stavenhagen! … what do we make of a fellow who comes from Mexico called Stavenhagen?” Well, what do the listeners think? Caller John tells Stavenhagen to go home, he’s not welcome here. Caller Mary says stop meddling in our affairs. A break for news, an interview with Roger Kerr of the Business Roundtable, and then it’s back to this joker Stavenhagen. “Must be a former activist hiding out in Mexico! He’s a curious geezer, Stavenhagen. Mr Stavenhagen ain’t my kind of man. He might be a Hagen but he ain’t starvin’ and that’s a fact!” If you listen carefully the compere falls off his chair in a fit of internal laughter. Across town at Radio Live, Mark Bennett, who usually courts attention via the Broadcasting Standards Authority, is standing in for Michael Laws. This morning the burqa issue has ignited Bennett’s sense of justice. Bennett: “I can’t understand why the ordinary New Zealander isn’t allowed to wear balaclavas in public while Muslim women can wear burqas while driving. The balaclava is sacred to all New Zealanders!” Caller Edna is worried terrorists could hide behind the burqa. Caller Steve doesn’t know why women wear it at all. Bennett says it’s because they’re all ugly. Break for ads, then Bennett, who once compared homosexuality to paedophilia and necrophilia, admits he’s trying to locate the love child of the just-deceased Gene Pitney. The mother’s name is Karen Wood. Radio Pacific is based in Auckland but John Banks chooses to broadcast from planet Mars. In the news today the government is reviewing immigration laws, the Chinese Premier has arrived in NZ, there’s that Stavenhagen report, plus the burqa issue, of course. What’s dwelling in Banks’ mind first thing this particular morning? Hygiene. Banks, who has a peculiar fascination with the elderly, informs listeners – “roosters” – that he disinfects his studio everyday before he begins his show. “I like everything clean.”What’s probing listeners’ minds? Anything? Caller Lorna says if Banks had been elected Prime Minister he would’ve made her proud. Banks: “I’d be proud if you were my grandmother.” Banks, unintentional comedian, the world’s most unlikely city mayor, is a man facing just one challenge: the 21st century. Today he’s the bearer of the bad news that the Labour government is likely to be in charge for the rest of our lives. Meanwhile there’s the pressing Zaoui issue to contend with. “Two-and-a-half million dollars in legal fees for one client! An Algerian interloper! Aren’t we just a pack of mugs! See his little lawyer on TV last night? She’s razor sharp, Deborah Manning.” Oddly-voiced Banks went for a walk down Dominion Road the other day. There was hardly any English writing anywhere, lots of Arabic, Chinese, Korean, but hardly any English. Caller Dave of Blockhouse Bay says a different nationality, a brown one, tried to talk to him at the beach. “What he was trying to say I don’t know. I call them liquorice allsorts. Do you remember them Banksy?” Banks: “Yeah, I think I do. Lollies.” Caller Kate says people in Mt Roskill are transacting food vouchers for alcohol.Banks: “We need to get to bottom of this.” The show cuts to Trackside. Summing up at the end of the show, Banks says: “Well, she’s a beautiful lady our Lorna. It’s twenty-five past eight. Truth Radio. Broadcasting from the Fortress of Arrogance!” At 11.30am on Newstalk ZB, the news update reports that the Chinese Premier is now in talks with Prime Minister Helen Clark, there’ve been further suppression order breaches relating to the Louise Nicholas rape trial, and police have broken up a major P syndicate in South Auckland. Ad break, and then Leighton Smith introduces Martin Dunne of City Sales, experts in inner-city apartment real estate. There’s an apartment suite near Grafton Bridge that’s really well-priced. It has two carparks. The urbane one: “That would make it, I would’ve thought, sort after.” I love commercial radio. In a way. ------------------------------------------------